Still I Cry

My life is perfect, but still I cry.
I mean I have it all: A house, a ride, a job, a business, and looks that kill, but still I cry.
I'm blessed, everyone can see it. God is truly working with me and through me, but still I cry.
I have friends that stretch from coast to coast and even overseas, but still I cry.

I sit in my home. my bed. alone.
I cry.
Alone.

No one holds me.
No one comforts me.
No one soothes me.
So I cry.

Dear Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS!

Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS!, I've been attempting to ignore your lil punk ass but I can't do it any longer. I don't know why I act surprised when you visit. You are about as predictable as my menstrual cycle. The longer the string of good news, the more I need to get the guest bedroom ready for you to move in and stay a while. Usually I am deeply emotionally effected by your visits, but each of your visits is becoming less and less effective.

This week:

1. I managed to FINALLY win my three year battle with Clark Atlanta University for my scholarship.
   
2. A random stranger paid for my groceries.
3. I cut ties with all energy consuming individuals in my life.
   
4. I executed a plan to get the hell away from Sister Paterson's lair.
   
5. I had a wonderful hair appointment.
6. I recieved the images for the front/back covers of both of my books.
7. I was placed in a training position at my job, ensuring job security and approval of my supervisor.
8. My car insurance policy was finally sorted out by an excellent company.
9. I spent valuable time with a very special person in my life.
10. I realized everything has come full circle and felt extremely blessed.

This was just to much for you wasn't it? Yea, I know.

When you attack, you attack big. You have to. You know I go hard n the paint, so you go hard too. I count my blessings so you know you have to take one huge shot at me to knock me on my ass. Fuck you.

U aint shit.

For this particular list of 10 you decided to gut punch that ass when Sister Paterson refused to put her tax information into the FAFSA so I could get government financial aid. You played against my strengths. I'm young and independent with no kids. According to the government, still a Dependent. You went through the person who pisses me off the most, and waited until you could attack the area in my life that means the most to me. You fucked with my Education & Money. Too-Shay my nig.

Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS! I've learned to deal with you over the years. Just as you know me, I know you too. I know what you're capable of and I know your limitations. Any mess you do can be undone. It may take some hard work and creative thinking, but every wrong will be made right. You know this. That's why I call you: Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS! All you can truly hurt are my feelings.

You figure I'll get in my feelings about something and make a rash decision. You think I'll merely react instead of stopping to think. Unfortunately, you aren't God. You aren't omnipotent. You don't truly understand my innerworkings. You smile at the fact that your attacks piss me off and cause tears. You fail to realize that I count that as motivation to fuel my determination.

Your the dumbass in the fight that gets their opponent to the ground, don't have the know how to finish the ass whoopin', walk away and get hit in the back of your peanut ass head with a fuckin brick. DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYMN!!!! YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!!!!!

Sound familiar?

Guess what, Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS!...the majority of my list this week was because of you. You cause me to reach higher heights and truly realize my potential. You knock me on my ass, but in the process you build me up.

In closing, I'll repost that list of 10 so you can see what all I've accomplished because of you.

1. You took away my scholarhsip. I got angry and fought for 3 years. I got it back, got a book out of the deal, and value everything more.
   
2. Not Applicable
   
3. You attacked my two closest male relationships. Two individuals in my inner circle decided to show their asses. I got anoyed. I cut ties with both, got my own damn phone plan, and have had the most drama free week in recent history!
4. You set me up. The house I was scammed/pressured into buying was foreclosed on so I ended up living with Sister Paterson. I got a job and worked long hours. I'm moving back into my favorite house in the whole wide world....the most peaceful place on earth...where it all began....my first house: in two weeks. I can now ease the anxiety of having my own shit while living in a controled and peacefull environment.
   
5. You attacked my hair. My old loctition broke appointments, used my expensive shampoo up on other clients, and tried to charge me for a style she messed up. I became riled up and found a new loctitian who is prompt, professional, and has excellent customer service skills with an excellent location and great prices.
6. You used my personal relationship with my first graphic designer to damage our business relationship. I became hurt and found a new graphic designer who designed two amazing front covers and an excellent back cover, showed me love on t-shirts...a logo...AND worked with a sistah's tight budget. I have a budding long term business relationship.
7. You got me fired. A 300 pound bitch claimed she felt her life was in danger because of me and I got fired so I got angry. I had a better paying job within a week. I love my job and I am earning the approval of my superiors through hard work not ass kissing.
   
8. You attacked all kinda random shit through my car insurance. An idiot company fucked up my insurance policy. I spent countless hours on the phone trying to get it corrected. I got angry. As a result, I got a new policy written by another company. I am extremely pleased.
9. You kept me away from a very special person. You killed two birds with one stone on this one. Took an angel home that affected the special person in my life & used my biggest pet peeves against me. We spent time together and it was great. I really value.
10. You keep trying to turn my circle into a damn square! The mintue I smooth out the rough edges in my life you throw me for another loop. Everything in my life HAS come full circle even if it has a few kinks. Your tactics are wack

Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS!....FUCK YOU!!!

I Live Through Pain

That drawing is an initial sketch of my next tattoo. I was told that pain lets you know you aren't dead yet. It's no secret that I've had a lot of physical pain in my life, but it's the emotional pain that has formed me into the person I have grown to become. Those "Dear" letters you read are examples of my most effective way of understanding my emotions, my pain, and growing from it. I use physical pain to fully move on from it. I used to do it in a very unhealthy way...self-mutilation. Please, nobody go that route. Luckily, I reached out for help before it got extremely serious (love you Lamarr & Emily Kemp)

I marked the place in my skin where I attempted to make my final cut with a tattoo of "Faith" written in Arabic. Having faith that God would bring me through he situations I was faced with at the time saved my life. Because of faith, I never saw the darkness in the tunnel...only the light at the end. Note: The tat on my back has no deep meaning, I really just got it for the hell of it

I have an ear of death. every time someone close to me dies, I add another hole. My other ear (with the scaffold) came about because I was hurting bad inside. You can't say "ouch" to emotions, but you can say "ouch" to physical pain. I took all that emotional pain and channeled it to that ear.

After each piercing or tat, I feel a sense of relief and accomplishment. It's like having a good cry. I suck at crying a significant amount of tears, but tats and piercings get the job done. In my world, pain doesn't mean I'm dying. Pain is life. If you can still hurt emotionally or physically, you are still alive.