Friday, January 30, 2009

Dear Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS!

Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS!, I've been attempting to ignore your lil punk ass but I can't do it any longer. I don't know why I act surprised when you visit. You are about as predictable as my menstrual cycle. The longer the string of good news, the more I need to get the guest bedroom ready for you to move in and stay a while. Usually I am deeply emotionally effected by your visits, but each of your visits is becoming less and less effective.

This week:
  1. I managed to FINALLY win my three year battle with Clark Atlanta University for my scholarship.
  2. A random stranger paid for my groceries.
  3. I cut ties with all energy consuming individuals in my life.
  4. I executed a plan to get the hell away from Sister Paterson's lair.
  5. I had a wonderful hair appointment.
  6. I recieved the images for the front/back covers of both of my books.
  7. I was placed in a training position at my job, ensuring job security and approval of my supervisor.
  8. My car insurance policy was finally sorted out by an excellent company.
  9. I spent valuable time with a very special person in my life.
  10. I realized everything has come full circle and felt extremely blessed.
This was just to much for you wasn't it? Yea, I know.

When you attack, you attack big. You have to. You know I go hard n the paint, so you go hard too. I count my blessings so you know you have to take one huge shot at me to knock me on my ass. Fuck you.

U aint shit.

For this particular list of 10 you decided to gut punch that ass when Sister Paterson refused to put her tax information into the FAFSA so I could get government financial aid. You played against my strengths. I'm young and independent with no kids. According to the government, still a Dependent. You went through the person who pisses me off the most, and waited until you could attack the area in my life that means the most to me. You fucked with my Education & Money. Too-Shay my nig.

Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS! I've learned to deal with you over the years. Just as you know me, I know you too. I know what you're capable of and I know your limitations. Any mess you do can be undone. It may take some hard work and creative thinking, but every wrong will be made right. You know this. That's why I call you: Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS! All you can truly hurt are my feelings.

You figure I'll get in my feelings about something and make a rash decision. You think I'll merely react instead of stopping to think. Unfortunately, you aren't God. You aren't omnipotent. You don't truly understand my innerworkings. You smile at the fact that your attacks piss me off and cause tears. You fail to realize that I count that as motivation to fuel my determination.

Your the dumbass in the fight that gets their opponent to the ground, don't have the know how to finish the ass whoopin', walk away and get hit in the back of your peanut ass head with a fuckin brick. DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYMN!!!! YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!!!!!

Sound familiar?

Guess what, Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS!...the majority of my list this week was because of you. You cause me to reach higher heights and truly realize my potential. You knock me on my ass, but in the process you build me up.

In closing, I'll repost that list of 10 so you can see what all I've accomplished because of you.
  1. You took away my scholarhsip. I got angry and fought for 3 years. I got it back, got a book out of the deal, and value everything more.
  2. Not Applicable
  3. You attacked my two closest male relationships. Two individuals in my inner circle decided to show their asses. I got anoyed. I cut ties with both, got my own damn phone plan, and have had the most drama free week in recent history!
  4. You set me up. The house I was scammed/pressured into buying was foreclosed on so I ended up living with Sister Paterson. I got a job and worked long hours. I'm moving back into my favorite house in the whole wide world....the most peaceful place on earth...where it all first house: in two weeks. I can now ease the anxiety of having my own shit while living in a controled and peacefull environment.
  5. You attacked my hair. My old loctition broke appointments, used my expensive shampoo up on other clients, and tried to charge me for a style she messed up. I became riled up and found a new loctitian who is prompt, professional, and has excellent customer service skills with an excellent location and great prices.
  6. You used my personal relationship with my first graphic designer to damage our business relationship. I became hurt and found a new graphic designer who designed two amazing front covers and an excellent back cover, showed me love on t-shirts...a logo...AND worked with a sistah's tight budget. I have a budding long term business relationship.
  7. You got me fired. A 300 pound bitch claimed she felt her life was in danger because of me and I got fired so I got angry. I had a better paying job within a week. I love my job and I am earning the approval of my superiors through hard work not ass kissing.
  8. You attacked all kinda random shit through my car insurance. An idiot company fucked up my insurance policy. I spent countless hours on the phone trying to get it corrected. I got angry. As a result, I got a new policy written by another company. I am extremely pleased.
  9. You kept me away from a very special person. You killed two birds with one stone on this one. Took an angel home that affected the special person in my life & used my biggest pet peeves against me. We spent time together and it was great. I really value.
  10. You keep trying to turn my circle into a damn square! The mintue I smooth out the rough edges in my life you throw me for another loop. Everything in my life HAS come full circle even if it has a few kinks. Your tactics are wack
Mr. FuKyAfEeLiNgS!....FUCK YOU!!!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

25 Completely Random Facts About Me!

1. Open toilets freak me out....Ajar doors/drawers bug me...the world needs order and organization!!!

2. I'm in love with houndstooth (is that one word), that's the best pattern known to woman!!!

3. I always wanted to do a pageant but didn't have the balls so I crowned myself Miss Show Me State and have the sash to prove it bitches!

4. I think deaf people have no business talking. You've never heard words so dammit don't try to talk and think I won't giggle.

5. I've had an unnatural love for yellow smiley faces since I was in the 5th grade.

6. I think women with natural hair have a certain glow about them other women just don't have.

7. I like my pasta extra juicy!!!!

8. I haven't been a cheerleader, stretched, danced or done anything athletic since I was 19 but I can still drop it into the splits! Heyyyy booo!!!!

9. I initially wanted to become a writer because a reporter at The Call Newspaper misquoted me when I was in the 3rd grade....I'm on a never ending mission to prove that jerk wrong! Early success DOES mean a career in writing.

10. The only accidents I have ever been in involved objects that could not move....yea, i'm the idiot that hits parked cars, poles, and flower pots.

11. Sometimes when nobody's looking and I have on noisy shoes, I break into steps from college...PHI-HI-PSI-EEEEE

12. I'm completely addicted to scripted reality TV & I talk about the cast members as if I know them from "round the way"

13. I have a MAC and I think people who still use PCs are LOOSERS!!!

14. I think women who wear leggings as PANTS look a damn hot ass mess. If you can't afford skin tight pants then don't pick up a pair of cheap ass $7.99 Lycra leggings! Leggings are leggings and Pants are pants...learn the difference before you walk out the house.

15. I feel people with European hair have no business getting dreadlocks. It looks a mess. Spend the extra $300-$500 and get dreadlock extensions.

16. Besides my homie Crystal & Goldie, my inner circle of friends have been down for AT LEAST 8yrs....with most (like Miss Brittany!) dating back to elementary school.

17. I only date men with skinny ankles.

18. I love my body just the way it is: stretch marks.....tummy.....and big ol head!!

19. I only have one regret in life and it has taught me what it means to be a BFF. R.I.P Demarco Harvey

20. I hardly ever wear heels because narrow shoes are to hard to find. I have a shoe fetish and wish to GOD a designer like Steve Madden would make sum shoes in something other than in a B...I'm tired of AA being ignored!!!!

21. If I can help it, nothing but Victoria's Secret will ever come close to my va-jay-jay or tah tah's!!!!

22. I don't remember what life was like before a touch screen do you navigate?....u mean u have to push buttons and the screen doesn't change to landscape? People still pay for ringtones and applications? Wow.

23. My dog has 3 names....Faith Nicole Taylor

24. My friends are much closer to me than my family. My friends are my family.

25. Clark Atlanta University has managed to screw me out of my scholarship for 3yrs (and running), but I still think it's the best school in the world and your school is crap!!! And yes...I'm still waiting on the MARTA which specializes in Moving Africans Rapidly Through Atlanta....I do think cafeterias should have DJs....I think your school is wack because BET never visits....I do still remember when Shange's Mic was cut off during homecoming....I remember being cheap and watching homecoming concerts in Bumstead Cafe' (KANYE DIDN'T KEEP ME WAITING!!!)....I only attend football games til halftime...I was a member of the extra crunk group of females ready to fight Morehouse along with Brawley at the football game....I still think my OG is the best.....I still feel you should dress to impress to go to class....and finally, I do know that Morehouse Men secretly love a down to earth CAU Woman!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Phenomenon of Balls

This post takes it there.
I mean it really takes it there.
If you keep your panties in an uptight virgin bunch then push the damn X in the corner.
This post is raunchy!

This is for my sis, Ms. Dani Swayde:

Everybody knows my logic on things may be a bit off the wall. If you are completely clueless to the Jaz Method of Thought, consult the post "My Vagina Is Haunted." Work your way up to this post or just dive right in. Either way....this is my blog and if it offends you hit the X and abadon ship!

I'm just like every woman on Earth. I love a nice fit, toned, sexy athlete. No matter how much we call them womanizers and hoes, women still ogle over their rippled 8-packs, tight butts, and enlarged pecs. I secretly wish I had a hose filled with baby oil. I'd use it to spray athletes right as they come out of practice then just watch them glisten!

It's also a known fact that women have their preferences between athletes. You either like football players or basketball players. We all have our own theories on which sport is better and which makes the best lover. I am here to let you know that it is a SCIENTIFIC (proved by Jaz) FACT....that BASKETBALL PLAYERS ARE THE BEST.

I now present to you:
The Phenomenon of Balls

Athletes may not realize it, but the type of lover they are is directly related to the sport they play.

The Football Player
Football is a sport that involves short bursts of explosive energy with lots of pauses and standing around. The athlete goes to the line, explodes, then the play ends a few seconds later. In practice, these athletes spend long hours with the equipment on building stamina to function even when their highly abused muscles are aching. The ball is handled roughly. They do everything in their power not to let their opponent gin possession. Additionally, touchdowns may be difficult to come by, but it doesn't take much focus to score. All the athlete has to do is run. Once they reach the end zone, all it takes is a finger, toenail, or elbow to claim the points.

Football players rarely have to focus on other tasks. They are highly specialized athletes. The defense never meets the offense unless a turnover occurs. Their minds never have to reset. They just play their position. The offense and defense even practice in different places.

As a result, football players are able to provide hours of wonderful passionate foreplay. After all, they are used to wearing the equipment, but not actually playing the game. Once they do get down to business, it's the most toe curling, mind numbingly awesome, body rockin' sex your body has ever received.....for all of 5 MINTUES. Unfortunately, the sport has conditioned them to only be able to perform in short bursts of energy. Luckily, they may be able to reset and give you another 3 MINUTE burst, but it's unlikely.

In the event you are blessed witha football player with some actual stamina, expect the same boring motion. The sport has not taught them how to reset. They aren't quick on their feet with a wide array of motions to choose from. They either know offense of defense. This means you are gonna get it fast n hard or soft n sweet. There is no in between.

Prepare to be rough handled. Don't be surprised if their fingers forget your vajayjay is a sensual object. Expect them to handle it like a 3 yr old handles a Tonka Truck. They will throw it accross the room then bury it in a pile of mud.

When it comes time for your climax, don't expect it to be easy. Their lack of focus to score is to blaim. They are used to an entire enzone. Unfortunately, the g-spot is in a very specific location. Unless your main is a quarterback, don't expect him to find it. As far as he's concerned, the further he goes, the closer he is to obtaining a victory!

The Basketball Player
Basketball is a sport of precision with prolonged endurance. The athletes are closely related to runners as they are conditioned to run back and forth on the court for lengthy blocks of time. They must remain agile as they dripple as quickly as possible down the court and break the ankles of their opponents. Everything they do envolves controlled energy. Their bodies must learn to maximize fast breaks then stop on a dime to shoot.

Scoring involves an extremely gentle touch. They must be fully aware of the ball. It's impossible for every ball to feel the same so they must make adjustments to compensate the difference. Once ready to shoot, they must aim the ball to make a clean SWISH so they can proclaim "nothin' but net." It's not enough to master getting the ball into a very focused target, they must also do it with style.

Immediately after scoring, the athlete must regroup and shift gears. They must now run defense, pray for a turnover and reset to offense. Their slender bodies are lean yet toned. They have only the most necessary muscle mass to function.

As a result, basketball players may not be the best at foreplay. They are eager individuals and are ready to get in the game. Since the equipment to play is minimul (basketball shoes & a ball), they are often ready to go whenever and wherever. This turns them into spontaneous lovers. It should never get boring.

Once the athlete gets started, expect long sessions with short breaks. Their conditioning teaches them control over their bodies and energy. They can go for long periods of time, take a quick water break, and keep it moving. This also means a faster recovery time. Both the versitility in being agile when handeling the ball, and switching between offense and defense gives them with a large database of moves. Expect to be pleased in different rhythms, patterns, and in all different directions. The fancy footwork makes the dick work!

Switching up between offense and defense also serves an additional purpose. They have no problem running the show for a while then allowing you to run things. This means you can show out, and let your athlete know you can do your womanly thang without worrying about them feeling like less of a man because they aren't in control at all times. Advanced athletes, skilled at forcing turnovers, will be able to grab dat ass and take back the control without even switching positions.

Their sensitivity and respect for the basketball itself means they will handle your intimate areas with respect. Expect a gentle touch that will change according to your reactions. Their respect for the ball makes them more receptive to you.

When it comes time to climax, they know exactly where your special spot is. Their brains are trained to focus on a small goal so precision is the key. When reaching the goal, remember that basketball players strive for perfection and their ego's love to know they scored in the most stylish of ways. The more positive feedback (moans, screams, sounds of utter delight) you provide, the better they will perform. If you think I'm lying, watch dunk contest. The judges may have the end say-so, but it's all about the crowd reaction. Expect your basketball player to hit that spot with style, grace, and pure elegance.


These are my opinions, thoughts, and principles I firmly believe in.
Does this hold true for every football or basketball player?
The hell if I know!
All I'm saying is, I've put some deep thought into this.
I've swaped notes with my homegirls, and have compiled the results
of my findings for your entertainment.

If this post offended you, get a life or quit reading my blog.
I'm a grown woman who is not a virgin and I can talk about whatever the hell I want to!

Snip - Mothafuckin' - Snip

Man o man, this new year has been nuts! Usually the new years doesn't mean much to me because I've been a student for so many years. My years begin in September and end in May. This year is so different. I can tell 2009 is gonna be nuts!

I've just learned so much about myself, and have really began to apply what I've learned about life to the way I live life. My sex detox taught me all about choices. I learned that not all men are low down dirty scoundrels....the ones I happened to CHOOSE to have in my life were. I have CHOSEN to snip them out, and I'm happier because of it.

Call me a lazy bitch, but I'm not much of a cleaner. My idea of cleaning is throwing/giving away everything I can before even picking up an actual cleaning supply. I have so much crap, it will be replaced by some new crap, and when it comes time to all suddenly becomes crap!

Put a pair of life sized scissors in my hands and it's SNIP MOTHAFUCKIN' SNIP!!!

Just as the sex detox made the concept of CHOICE crystal clear, I thought hey...."What other areas of my life do I have a say-so in?" Usually I pray that God closes doors and removes people from my life that have no business being there, and within a few days drastic stuff happens. This is the first time I didn't pray that prayer. Amazingly, the most crazy things occurred.

I don't know if God opened my eyes and allowed me to have several epiphanies, but I finally saw the light. I realized that there are two types of dramatic events that happen in your life.
  1. Things you can control.
  2. Things you can't control.
It's just that simple.

Most people throw everything into the CAN'T control category, when the opposite is really true. Some decisions may by hard, but you can actually control 98% of what happens in your life. In two specific situations/relationships I had to take a step back. I realized that I do not have to deal with the bullshit or the drama. I am CHOOSING to deal with it. In 2009 I CHOOSE not to entertain it. SNIP MOTHAFUCKIN' SNIP!!!

I'm throwing caution to the wind and running with scissors. Life is to short to waste dealing with drama. I'm not an IT department and I don't enjoy troubleshooting things. I will not troubleshoot a troubled relationship I had no business continuing anyway. SNIP MOTHAFUCKIN' SNIP!!!

Note: Relationships do not necessarily have to be romantic. Relationships can also mean friendships or even associations.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Jazzy, Jasmine, Jaz: The Evolution

This book truly marks the end of a period of darkness in my life. From here on out I'm moving upwards in life. I feel every milestone needs to be marked by some drastic event so you remember it's a milestone...that's what I'm doing.

Today marks a new day in my evolution.

I'm under the dryer changing my hair color to a fierce family of red's and blondes. Then I'm off to a new stylist to get freshly twisted and styled. You didn't expect me to take this 2007 hair into 2009 did you?! Hell no! I gotta stay flyy baby! Then I'm off to get a pedicure with my sister Tonya...gotta get the feet right for the new year!! Lastly, I'll be getting a west african adinkra symbol meaning: Wisdom, Creativity & The Complexities of Life. That tat will go behind my right ear so it can be close to my thoughts. It will be the final indication of the evolved me.

In my youth I was Jazzy.
In my teens I was Jasmine.
As a young adult, I am Jaz.

The evolution is never complete!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Hell of A Ride!

I'm determined to ride this mothafucka til the wheels fall off! Of course i'm speaking about life. I couldn't be happier, and swear my art is suffering. I got whatever the hell Mary J. Blige got infected with. Her ass got so happy about life her art suffered. Sorry MJB, but I miss you when u were strung out on drugs....damn the music was good!!

I know I've been truly M.I.A this month, but I been grinding! Finally they created a Blogger application for the Android. Now I'm back in action like Jerry Curl Freetress Weave by Milky Way.

I'm excited ya'll!! The book is almost out and I have a fantastic man in my life (not a boyfriend...yet....just a damn good man). The bullshit with Clark can't even bring me down. For the record, those bastards yanked my scholarship back (AGAIN). I called to check on my paperwork and the man who reinstated the scholarship no longer works there. Guess what! He left no record. Now aint that some colored shit??? U wanna know what i did? I forwarded the stupid 2 line email from him to the woman over scholarships, started looking for a lawyer, and prepared a huge mail campaign to everybody from the board of trustees to professors.

Good ol CAU has til February 1st, 2009 before i seek legal action.

Life is a roller coaster with ups and downs. the ups creep up on you really slow, but the downs happen extremely quickly. You tend to remember the downs because you feel the effects more than the ups, but there's something about that ride up that makes you reflect on what the hell juss happened when u were down & what's about to happen when u peak. This Clark thing is just a minor dip in my life's ride. It's a hell of a ride and I'm stayin on it til the damn wheels fall off!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

The Story, My Testimony, This is Me.

I finally allow myself to tell my story, because the time is right. You all need to know what I've been through and why this book is important. I love all of my supporters.
Thank you all!