Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Phenomenon of Balls

This post takes it there.
I mean it really takes it there.
If you keep your panties in an uptight virgin bunch then push the damn X in the corner.
This post is raunchy!

This is for my sis, Ms. Dani Swayde:

Everybody knows my logic on things may be a bit off the wall. If you are completely clueless to the Jaz Method of Thought, consult the post "My Vagina Is Haunted." Work your way up to this post or just dive right in. Either way....this is my blog and if it offends you hit the X and abadon ship!

I'm just like every woman on Earth. I love a nice fit, toned, sexy athlete. No matter how much we call them womanizers and hoes, women still ogle over their rippled 8-packs, tight butts, and enlarged pecs. I secretly wish I had a hose filled with baby oil. I'd use it to spray athletes right as they come out of practice then just watch them glisten!

It's also a known fact that women have their preferences between athletes. You either like football players or basketball players. We all have our own theories on which sport is better and which makes the best lover. I am here to let you know that it is a SCIENTIFIC (proved by Jaz) FACT....that BASKETBALL PLAYERS ARE THE BEST.

I now present to you:
The Phenomenon of Balls

Athletes may not realize it, but the type of lover they are is directly related to the sport they play.

The Football Player
Football is a sport that involves short bursts of explosive energy with lots of pauses and standing around. The athlete goes to the line, explodes, then the play ends a few seconds later. In practice, these athletes spend long hours with the equipment on building stamina to function even when their highly abused muscles are aching. The ball is handled roughly. They do everything in their power not to let their opponent gin possession. Additionally, touchdowns may be difficult to come by, but it doesn't take much focus to score. All the athlete has to do is run. Once they reach the end zone, all it takes is a finger, toenail, or elbow to claim the points.

Football players rarely have to focus on other tasks. They are highly specialized athletes. The defense never meets the offense unless a turnover occurs. Their minds never have to reset. They just play their position. The offense and defense even practice in different places.

As a result, football players are able to provide hours of wonderful passionate foreplay. After all, they are used to wearing the equipment, but not actually playing the game. Once they do get down to business, it's the most toe curling, mind numbingly awesome, body rockin' sex your body has ever received.....for all of 5 MINTUES. Unfortunately, the sport has conditioned them to only be able to perform in short bursts of energy. Luckily, they may be able to reset and give you another 3 MINUTE burst, but it's unlikely.

In the event you are blessed witha football player with some actual stamina, expect the same boring motion. The sport has not taught them how to reset. They aren't quick on their feet with a wide array of motions to choose from. They either know offense of defense. This means you are gonna get it fast n hard or soft n sweet. There is no in between.

Prepare to be rough handled. Don't be surprised if their fingers forget your vajayjay is a sensual object. Expect them to handle it like a 3 yr old handles a Tonka Truck. They will throw it accross the room then bury it in a pile of mud.

When it comes time for your climax, don't expect it to be easy. Their lack of focus to score is to blaim. They are used to an entire enzone. Unfortunately, the g-spot is in a very specific location. Unless your main is a quarterback, don't expect him to find it. As far as he's concerned, the further he goes, the closer he is to obtaining a victory!

The Basketball Player
Basketball is a sport of precision with prolonged endurance. The athletes are closely related to runners as they are conditioned to run back and forth on the court for lengthy blocks of time. They must remain agile as they dripple as quickly as possible down the court and break the ankles of their opponents. Everything they do envolves controlled energy. Their bodies must learn to maximize fast breaks then stop on a dime to shoot.

Scoring involves an extremely gentle touch. They must be fully aware of the ball. It's impossible for every ball to feel the same so they must make adjustments to compensate the difference. Once ready to shoot, they must aim the ball to make a clean SWISH so they can proclaim "nothin' but net." It's not enough to master getting the ball into a very focused target, they must also do it with style.

Immediately after scoring, the athlete must regroup and shift gears. They must now run defense, pray for a turnover and reset to offense. Their slender bodies are lean yet toned. They have only the most necessary muscle mass to function.

As a result, basketball players may not be the best at foreplay. They are eager individuals and are ready to get in the game. Since the equipment to play is minimul (basketball shoes & a ball), they are often ready to go whenever and wherever. This turns them into spontaneous lovers. It should never get boring.

Once the athlete gets started, expect long sessions with short breaks. Their conditioning teaches them control over their bodies and energy. They can go for long periods of time, take a quick water break, and keep it moving. This also means a faster recovery time. Both the versitility in being agile when handeling the ball, and switching between offense and defense gives them with a large database of moves. Expect to be pleased in different rhythms, patterns, and in all different directions. The fancy footwork makes the dick work!

Switching up between offense and defense also serves an additional purpose. They have no problem running the show for a while then allowing you to run things. This means you can show out, and let your athlete know you can do your womanly thang without worrying about them feeling like less of a man because they aren't in control at all times. Advanced athletes, skilled at forcing turnovers, will be able to grab dat ass and take back the control without even switching positions.

Their sensitivity and respect for the basketball itself means they will handle your intimate areas with respect. Expect a gentle touch that will change according to your reactions. Their respect for the ball makes them more receptive to you.

When it comes time to climax, they know exactly where your special spot is. Their brains are trained to focus on a small goal so precision is the key. When reaching the goal, remember that basketball players strive for perfection and their ego's love to know they scored in the most stylish of ways. The more positive feedback (moans, screams, sounds of utter delight) you provide, the better they will perform. If you think I'm lying, watch dunk contest. The judges may have the end say-so, but it's all about the crowd reaction. Expect your basketball player to hit that spot with style, grace, and pure elegance.


These are my opinions, thoughts, and principles I firmly believe in.
Does this hold true for every football or basketball player?
The hell if I know!
All I'm saying is, I've put some deep thought into this.
I've swaped notes with my homegirls, and have compiled the results
of my findings for your entertainment.

If this post offended you, get a life or quit reading my blog.
I'm a grown woman who is not a virgin and I can talk about whatever the hell I want to!

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