Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Dear My Beloved Hater

I hate writing about such traditional themes such as love, heartbreak, and haters...but hell...I gotta make an exception for you. First I want to let you know that I love you. You are what motivates me more than I could ever motivate myself. Call it vain, but there's something about the vision of my success as you only move horizontally through life that gives me a kick. You are the foot up my ass that I need to keep me moving vertically. One of you succeeded in getting me fired. I saw the joy on your face. I laughed, because I knew I was moving onto bigger and better things...and I did. Now I make more money than you! Funny how that all worked out.

Oh yea, we can't forget that time I allowed you to live with me and you robbed me blind. Yea, I get pissed off when I slow down my thoughts enough to remember that you also stole the shoes my best friend got me right before he died (RIP DeMarco). In spite of that, I pity you more than anything. If it brings you joy to wear my (now out of date) clothing & shoes, use my gadgets that you can now only buy exclusively refurbished from the online Apple Store, and hold onto other miscellaneous nick all means, go ahead! You clearly loved my style enough to jock it. I am flattered. Also, I'm proud that you take time to think about me each and every day as you tell mutual friends that I lost my house. Child, that's nothin' new and as of 11/26/'s not even true. Check my blog (which you may be doing anyway), I've already said I was facing foreclosure in Dear Mr. Bill Collector. Look it up on and type in my name...the property is still mine. Your stupidity makes me laugh. Have a virtual hug...I appreciate when someone can put a smile on my face no matter the circumstances.

I'm racking my brain to think of other hater moves I need to thank you for, but I can't think of any I haven't already randomly addressed or alluded to in other posts. I hate repeating myself. I guess, you're just not as significant to me as I am to you. I think that's how the whole "Hater-Successful" relationship is supposed to work so I'm not worried.

It feels like this year, you've gone and gotten your buddies. 2008 has truly been a trip. You've been multiplying like crazy! I'm loving every minute of it. That means I must be doing something right. I haven't had time to count how many beloved haters I have, nor do I care, but if all goes right...I forecast that this number should be doubled by next year this time. By then I'll truly be doing it big! The cycle is simple: I strive for excellence, you hate, I get encouraged and reach even further, you hate more, yada yada ya. My Success is inversely related to your Hate. According to my calculations, the more you hate, the more I succeed. Damn, if the odds aren't in my favor!

My Beloved Hater, I simply love you. Like Kel loved orange soda: "I do, I do, I dooo"

Iight I gotta go now. Can't go dedicating all my time to you. If I did, you would have nothing to hate on! Then I wouldn't be upholding my part of the contract. So to you, I'll throw the deuces and flash a smile. See ya after a little while!

The Object of Your Envy,

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