Self Sabatoge

My worst enemy is myself. I control my destiny even if I choose to let go. Any and all of my decisions guide my life. Where is all this coming from? None of your damn business! Call me late, but for the first time in my life I'm realizing that I am in direct control. Christians are guilty of "Spiritual Blaming." You kno what I'm talkin bout....they trip over a crack in the sidewalk and blame it on Satan. They show up for work late every day for 2 weeks, get fired, then proclaim that God has something bigger planned for their life. The truth is you are clumsy & you fucked up.

Right now I'm feeling the effects of a dumb ass decision I made at the age of 17, and recovering from reckless behavior in my 20's. While I went through 2 yrs of depression and 2 yrs of internal bodily abuse, I felt out of control. I felt like I was out of control of my life. I couldn't have been more wrong. The awful truth is, I was being my own worst enemy by not being my own biggest supporter. Others cared more about my life then I did. Fuck it, I was tired.

True enough, I believe in a source of pure good (God) and a source of pure evil (Satan), I have learned that they are not responsible for everything that goes on in my life. A spirit can't force you to self-destruct. A spirit can't force your hand into great achievements. I like to think of God as the tour guide who goes before you in the jungle with the Machetti. He'll clear a way, but he's not going to physically pick up your feet and make you walk down the path. The same goes for Satan. He may clear a path that makes self-destruction a more obtainable goal, but he's not going to physically cause you to harm yourself (mentally or physically).

I am my own worst enemy. I fear nothing but myself. That's a bold statement concidering I'll face morbid enemies like death, but I don't fear dying. I'm Christian and I'm Saved. You can end my life on Earth, but I know I'll still live in heaven someday. Therefore, death is not an enemy and I have no reason to fear it. I, however, can fuck myself up like no one else can. Although I wish I could blame my life's journey on outside factors, I can't. That means I hold a lot of power.

Maybe that's why Sister Paterson pisses me off so badly. She tries to control my life. In essence, she tries to diminish my power. She clearly has no respect for the power I hold within. That's why judgemental people piss me off. They think they have the right to challenge a person's personal choices. Only God can judge me. I have the right to be my own worst enemy & as long as I embrace that fact, I can walk through life fearless.

(Please excuse this post if the thoughts feel a bit random, but I'm having a new epiphany with each sentence I write)